If you're looking for the perfect toy to get your kids this Christmas, look elsewhere. Whether they portray outdated racial stereotypes, are innuendos incarnate or straight up drop the murder bomb, here are 20 toys that I kid you not are real. Note: If you want toys that can be used as weapons, check this list which I made back during this blog's first year of existence. Caution: This list contains references to old, possibly outdated memes, at least much more so than my other lists. If you're allergic to those, turn back now!!!
#20: Poo-doh
 | |
| Nice of Play-Doh to make something for the grossout fans, eh reader? |
Might as well get the fecal matter related toys out of the way.
#19: E.T. Finger
 |
| This thing's creep factor is over nine thousand!!! |
E.T. phone home. I phone my therapist.
#18: 9-11 Toy
 |
| We're the twin towers, bitch! |
We still remember, and we still react poorly to representations of it in media!
#17: Kaba Kick
 | |
| #YOLO, unless of course your method of suicide is completely harmless! |
A version of Russian Roulette where nobody dies? Sign me up!
#16: Peekaboo Pole Dancing Toy
 |
| How I hate those child pole dancers! How they make my stomach turn! |
It would be really ironic if this wasn't suggested by an adult pole dancer!
#15: Pregnant Barbie doll
 |
| That's Mama Barbie to you, reader! "Wheeze" |
Give the Barbie franchise credit for having the balls to do this!
#14: Plush STDs
 |
| Yo dawg. I heard you like STD toys, so I put a pic of them on this blog! |
Spoiler alety, the actual diseases are nowhere near as cute as the image above makes them look!
#13: Jar Jar Lollipop
 | |
| This is taking so uncivilized to a disturbing new level! |
"I wanna French kiss Jar Jar Binks!" Said nobody, ever... At least, I hope.
#12: Pee and Poo
 |
| Click here for more info on this... Art piece. |
Why is toilet humor so popular!?
#11: Rad Repeatin Tarzan
 |
| I can't believe this exists. You know who can? Chuck Norris! |
More like self-pleasing tarzan, am I right? Seriously though, If you're gonna do this, at least do it where no one can see you!
#10: Avenging Narwal
 |
| THIS! IS! NARWAL! (Stabs something). |
Forget the circle of life, here comes the circle of death!
#9: Winnie the Pooh ring thing
 |
| You hear that? That's the sound of Pooh fans everywhere going "Deuueaugh"! |
Winnie put that thing away, you're a children's show icon for God's sake!
#8: Wolverine balloon hammer
 | |
| You know what really grinds my gears? Stuff like this! |
Ever wanted to blow Wolverine? Please don't answer that...
#7: Buzz Lightyear drinking cup
 |
| Is that a draw sticking out of your base or are you just happy to see me? |
Oh, come on! This is ridiculous
#6: Rocket launching Punisher
 | |
| He has a condition, and the only cure is more cowbell! |
Okay, now we've gone too far! I can't possibly be the only one who thinks that!
#5: Pretty Death Toy Noose
| U mad bro/sis? I know I am! |
Nothing says kid friendly quite like methods of suicide, am I right?
#4: Adolf Hitler doll
 |
| This is looking a little sus, don't you think? |
Do I even need to explain this one?
#3: Roadkill cat figurine
 | |
| All your disemboweled cats are belong to us! |
#Nasty!
#2: Baby's first Baby
 |
| Me and the boys wondering who the #%@$ approved this thing. |
This is just wrong, and the fetus also being pregnant doesn't help in the slightest!
#1: Evil Stick
| NO GOD! NO GOD PLEASE NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! |
When they called it an evil stick they weren't kidding!
I'm glad I didn't get any of these controversial toys. Also, I apologize if you got a little triggered reading this. Thanks for reading. Have a merry Christmas and please, don't get these toys for your little ones.