20 Incredibly inappropriate toys for kids

 If you're looking for the perfect toy to get your kids this Christmas, look elsewhere. Whether they portray outdated racial stereotypes, are innuendos incarnate or straight up drop the murder bomb, here are 20 toys that I kid you not are real. Note: If you want toys that can be used as weapons, check this list which I made back during this blog's first year of existence.  Caution: This list contains references to old, possibly outdated memes, at least much more so than my other lists. If you're allergic to those, turn back now!!!

#20: Poo-doh

Nice of Play-Doh to make something for the grossout fans, eh reader?

Might as well get the fecal matter related toys out of the way.

#19: E.T. Finger

This thing's creep factor is over nine thousand!!!

E.T. phone home. I phone my therapist.

#18: 9-11 Toy

We're the twin towers, bitch!

We still remember, and we still react poorly to representations of it in media!

#17: Kaba Kick

#YOLO, unless of course your method of suicide is completely harmless!

A version of Russian Roulette where nobody dies? Sign me up!

#16: Peekaboo Pole Dancing Toy

How I hate those child pole dancers! How they make my stomach turn!

It would be really ironic if this wasn't suggested by an adult pole dancer!

#15: Pregnant Barbie doll

That's Mama Barbie to you, reader! "Wheeze"

Give the Barbie franchise credit for having the balls to do this!

#14: Plush STDs

Yo dawg. I heard you like STD toys, so I put a pic of them on this blog!

Spoiler alety, the actual diseases are nowhere near as cute as the image above makes them look!

#13: Jar Jar Lollipop

This is taking so uncivilized to a disturbing new level!

"I wanna French kiss Jar Jar Binks!" Said nobody, ever... At least, I hope.

#12: Pee and Poo

Click here for more info on this... Art piece.

Why is toilet humor so popular!?

#11: Rad Repeatin Tarzan

I can't believe this exists. You know who can? Chuck Norris!

More like self-pleasing tarzan, am I right? Seriously though, If you're gonna do this, at least do it where no one can see you!

#10: Avenging Narwal

THIS! IS! NARWAL! (Stabs something).

Forget the circle of life, here comes the circle of death!

#9: Winnie the Pooh ring thing

You hear that? That's the sound of Pooh fans everywhere going "Deuueaugh"!

Winnie put that thing away, you're a children's show icon for God's sake!

#8: Wolverine balloon hammer

You know what really grinds my gears? Stuff like this!

Ever wanted to blow Wolverine? Please don't answer that...

#7: Buzz Lightyear drinking cup

Is that a draw sticking out of your base or are you just happy to see me?

Oh, come on! This is ridiculous

#6: Rocket launching Punisher

He has a condition, and the only cure is more cowbell!

Okay, now we've gone too far! I can't possibly be the only one who thinks that!

#5: Pretty Death Toy Noose

U mad bro/sis? I know I am!

Nothing says kid friendly quite like methods of suicide, am I right?

#4: Adolf Hitler doll

This is looking a little sus, don't you think?

Do I even need to explain this one?

#3: Roadkill cat figurine

All your disemboweled cats are belong to us!

#Nasty!

#2: Baby's first Baby

Me and the boys wondering who the #%@$ approved this thing.

This is just wrong, and the fetus also being pregnant doesn't help in the slightest!

#1: Evil Stick

NO GOD! NO GOD PLEASE NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

When they called it an evil stick they weren't kidding!

I'm glad I didn't get any of these controversial toys. Also, I apologize if you got a little triggered reading this. Thanks for reading. Have a merry Christmas and please, don't get these toys for your little ones.

Sources

• The Things
  
• Planet Dolan
• Cracked
  
• Joeotoole
  
• Lolwot

15 Incredibly dumb criminals

There's master thieves and then there's these dumbasses. From trying to car jack someone shortly after being released from prison to bragging about your crime on social media, join me as we count down 15 of the dumbest people ever to lead a life of crime.

#15: Jonathon Parker

Apparently social media is more important than escaping the house you just robbed.

When this moron found some diamond rings in the house he was robbing, his first response was to check his Facebook newsfeed from the owner's computer. As if that wasn't enough, he forgot to log out, making it insanely easy for the cops to identify and arrest him.

#14: Klaus Schmidt

If he could hear, he'd known to run before the cops arrived!

While trying to rob a bank, the employees found out this idiot was deaf when he stated "You're damn right it's a real gun!" when asked if he needed a bag. The staff's next decision was to sound the alarm, which Klaus didn't realize until the cops came to put him behind bars. Funnily enough, he would later try to sue the bank for exploiting his disability, which didn't go well because their exploitation wasn't unjustified.

#13: Willian Alves

Right idea, wrong container!

This dork tried to escape a Brazilian prison by hiding in a kitchen trash can and covering himself with garbage. A neat idea, but he forgot 2 things: the cans were too small for him to fully conceal himself in and the cleanup crew would no doubt wonder why the medium-sized cans were as heavy as a human being. 

#12: Darren Kimpton

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Just wait for the cops to leave first!

This incompetent thief's attempt at breaking into a home ended with him cutting himself on broken window glass, leaving his blood on the crime scene as he fled. His second attempt would've been more successful... If the house he broke into wasn't full of cops investigating a different crime.

#11: Joey Miller and Matthew McNelly

All the permanent marked did was make these two look like dorks!

Instead of a ski mask, these guys tried to disguise their faces with permanent maker. You know, the kind of marker that is almost impossible to remove. Sufficient to say, their disguises failed miserably and they were arrested pronto.

#10: Eloise Reaves

Fess up, how many of you thought only males were gonna be on this list?

After buying crack, this drug buying bimbo went to the authorities to complain about the drug's quality. She apparently forgot that crack was illegal until the cops took her away.

#9: John Mogan and Ashley Buboe

Bragging about your crime on social media is like begging to be arrested!

After robbing a bank, this Ohio couple thought it would be a good idea to brag on Facebook about how their successful heist. They even went as far as showing off the money they stole. In this case, the criminals put 2 and 2 together for the police and got themselves a not so lovely jail cell.

#8: Frank Singleton

Look what laziness got you!

The first thing this guy did after being released from prison was to car jack a woman right in the prison's parking lot! He was thwarted by his inability to operate the car's stick shift and was put right back in a holding cell. Reportedly, he claimed he returned to a life of time so quickly because he didn't feel like walking.

#7: Derrick Mosley

Taking bats to gun stores? Very smart!

Wielding a baseball bat, this guy tried to rob a gun store. After the owner pulled out a gun, all Derrick could do was cower in a corner as he waited for the police to arrive.

#6: Albert Bailey(pictured)/Daniel Glen

"Have my robbery money out by 4 or else!"

This is a tie because these are both separate incidents with essentially the same setup and outcome. These warning happy thugs tried to rob a bank... After calling said bank and telling them to have the money ready. The only thing he found there were some cops, who were most likely wondering how stupid they could possibly be.

#5: Krystian Bala

On the plus side, Amok sold quite nicely.

After murdering someone, this Jack the Ripper wannabe decided to write a book called Amok, which detailed a murder similar to the one he commited. Eventually the cops connected the dots and Bala was sent to jail.

#4: Mohammad Ashan

If only all terrorists were this easy to capture.

This Afghanistan Taliban commander turned brainless buffoon turned himself into the police to collect the $100 bounty that was placed on him. This ended about as well as you'd imagine.

#3: Ruben Zarate

"Just call when the manager returns and I'll rob you then."

This ambitious if dimwitted fiend went to rob a muffler shop, only to find out that all the money was in the safe and only the then absent manager could open it. To save himself time, he stupidly gave the bank his phone number and told them to call him when the manager returned. Instead, the bank called the cops, then they called Reuben and waited to watch his shocked reaction to finding the police there.

#2: James Blankenship

I doubt even Beavis and Butt-Head would believe this guy!

This loophole finding dummy heard a ridiculous rumor: burglaries are only illegal if done at night. This led to him trying to rob his mother's house and being chased down by police, who were most likely amused by his idiocy.

#1: Christopher Kron

People not cut out for a life of crime exhibit A!

It'd be pretty hard to botch up a burglary as bad as this jackass. He broke into a store and made no effort to escape despite the alarm ringing in his ear. When the security company rang the place up, he answered the phone and told the caller his real name before finally leaving with a few beer bottles in hand. The next day, he returned to the store and was immediately put behind bars.

The moral of the story: If you're gonna lead a life of crime (which I highly suggest you don't), bring a brain with you. If you know of some brainless law breakers you think should be on this list, feel free to mention some names in the comment section. I'll see you later. Have a good day or night depending on what time it is.

Sources

• Top Trending
• WatchMojo
• Planet Dolan
• Deburke321
• Matthew Santoro
• List 25
• Daily Star
• CBS News