Keener Top Lists

Monday, January 13, 2025

30 funny things to put on a sign on someone's back

"Kick me" is so 1955! For those looking for an original twist to this old prank, here's my list of 30 things to tape to someone's back. Warning: This is just a joke post. I won't be held responsible if you actually try one of these and get kicked in the nads.

#30: I invest in NFTs🪙

The monsters!

#29: I have no penis!🍆

Or for female targets, I have a penis!

#28: I hate SpongeBob🧽

Remember, nobody wants to be a Squidward!

#27: My favorite food is babies🚼

I doubt anyone will believe this, but it will get some looks!

#26: visit this address🎃: https://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/kikia

Just a heads up: The address is to a screamer.

#25: Sneak up behind me and scream😱

Just don't do this to someone with heart problems.

#24: When in doubt, spank your monkey🐵

Truer words have never been spoken!

#23: The Simpsons has been on for way too long📺

Honestly, some people may agree with this one.

#22: Aliens are out to get me👽

Somebody call the men in black!

#21: I was just about to consume this delicious banana🍌

Tasty!

#20: Eat at joe's📃✈️

Ok that's another old joke, but who doesn't love a good throwback?

#19: Fuck you <insert name of person place or thing you hate>!😠

Go to Hell, you suck ass, you're a piece of shit and die already you bitch\bastard are good alternatives.

#18: I have covid🦠

Just because the pandemic's over doesn't mean the virus is dead!

#17: Me eyes are on the other side you perv!✖️✖️✖️

For extra hilarity, write this really small so whoever's trying to read this had to get really close.

#16: Baloney!🥪

A HA HA HA HA! Three in a row baby!

#15: The opening to Up made me laugh⚰️

Unemotional jerks!

#14: Throw your tomatoes at me🎯

You can't beat the classics!

#13: I was a cat in a previous life😺

Meow meow meow!

#12: YOU MUST DIE!!!💀

Insert dramatic thunder here.

#11: Stop signs don't exist to me🛑

Somebody call the cops!

#10: Obamacare for the win!🏥

I'm sure this won't cause an outrage. #Sarcasm

#9: Free kisses on other side💋

Act now and get aSlap to the face, also free!

#8: YouTube content farms are the best🚜

They're ruining YouTube animation!

#7: Pinch me and I'll punch you✊

Perfect for Saint Paddy's Day!

#6: I have no boobs!🍈🍈

Or for male targets, I have boobs!

#5: My laugh box is busted😂

If you know, you know.

#4: Flash player deserved to die🪦

My other blog has proof that's BS.

#3: Praise Jesus!😇

He died for your sins, you know!

#2: I stole 40 cakes🍰

And that's terrible!

#1: Hey you! You suck!👆(Pretend this hand is flipping the bird)

Them's fightin words!

If you were looking for something to prank your friends and family with, here you go. If you're looking for a prank that won't get you punched in the eye, look elsewhere. Thanks for reading and prank responsibly!

Monday, May 20, 2024

30 Unbelievable Ice Cream Flavors

A wise man once said "You can't ruin ice cream". A crazed ice cream maker once said "Hold my hot fudge sundae". Whether they're flavored like meats, vegetables or things that aren't food at all, here are 20 flavors of ice cream that I $#!% you not are real.

#30: Booger by The Ice Cream Store, Delaware

Not gonna lie, this is the flavor I most wanna try.

No this isn't snot flavored ice cream. It is vanilla ice cream, caramel, and marshmallow bits mixed with green food coloring to give an icky appearance.

#29: Pet Bird by Torimi Cafe, Tokyo

Nothing Hatoful about this dish!

This is ice cream mixed with fruit, nuts, and seeds. What did you think was in it?

#28: Candied Bacon by Sparky's Home-Made Ice Cream, Missouri

The Epic Meal Time approved flavor!

Finally, a meat that goes well with Ice Cream!

#27: Salmon by Royal Caffe, Lombardo

Mama Mia!

If you want this, go right on ahead. Me personally, I'll stick to salmon patties.

#26: Mushroom by The Mushroom Garde, Taiwan

A super odd flavor, brought to you by Taiwan!

Would the Mario Brother eat this?

#25: Corn on the cob by Max & Mina's

It's an amaizingly strange dessert, isn't it?

When life gives you corn, turn it into a kind of delectable dessert!

#24: Thyme by Kearsley's Kitchen

Thyme to think of a better ice cream!😂

Does Baskin Robbins have this in their stores? I think not!

#23: Nacho Nacho by Rococo Artisan Ice Cream, Mexico

A true tex mex treat!

I absolutely adore nachos, but this is just nuts!

#22: Cheetos by Big Gay Ice Cream

It ain't easy being cheesy!

First chicken sandwiches, now ice cream! Chester Cheetah must be a food scientist or something!

#21: Cold Sweat by Sunni Sky's Homemade Ice Cream

Three kinds of peppers plus two kinds of hot sauce equals one painful scoop!

Keep a jug of milk handy, you're gonna need it!

#20: Margherita Pizza by Sparky's Homemade Ice Cream, Missouri

A unique way to celebrate National Pizza Day!

They had to use that leftover tomato sauce somehow!

#19: Deviled Egg Custard with Smoked Black Tea by Salt & Straw Ice Cream

As long as the actual Devil isn't involved, I'll be fine!

Not something you see at every Easter feast!

#18: Mountain Dew and Doritos by Sparky's Homemade Ice Cream, Missouri

The gamer's ice cream!

If you haven't tried this, then join the club because I haven't either.

#17: Honey Jalapeno Pickle by Sweet Action Ice Cream, Denver

From the same part of Colorado that brought us the Fool's Gold Loaf!

This is madness!

#16: Mustard by French's, Turkiye

A perfect pairing with your burger flavored cake!

Hey, if ketchup flavored chips are allowed to exist, then why not this?

#15: Coffee Garlic Herb Almond Chip by Max & Mina's, New York

Of all the food combos I've wanted to try, this isn't one of them!

No amount of coffee and almonds will hide the fact that garlic was used in the production of this ice cream!

#14: Kraft Mac & Cheese by Van Leeuwen Ice Cream, New York

What's next, Cheez-It ice cream?

That's what cheese said!

#13: Caviar by Salt and Straw, quite a few places

Yeah, because nothing says world's fanciest ice cream quite like fish eggs!

Rich people food has gone too far!

#12: Caramelized Turkey and Cranberry Sauce by Salt and Straw

Something to be thankful for!

Don't forget to pair this with some Lester's Fixins!

#11: Vinegar by Lo and Slow BBQ, Northern Ireland

Did Muriel have something to do with this?

Sweet and sour at its coldest!

#10: Yellowfin Tuna Ceviche with Basil and Avocado by SoBou NOLA, New Orleans

Sounds fishy to me!

Here's something you won't find at the Krusty Krab!

#9: Vanilla by Lick Me I'm Delicious, Bristol

If it was up to me to name this, I'd call it something like "Neon Vanilla" or "Jellyglow Ice Cream".

This isn't your average everyday vanilla. This ice cream contains the proteins that makes jellyfish flow, which activates when you lick it.

#8: Beer by Motley Moo Creamery, Alaska

Bud Light, Duff or Pawtucket Patriot?

Lick your problems away today!

#7: Squid Ink by Kita No Aisu Ya San, Japan

Still better than pen ink.

This is Japanese as ice cream gets!

#6: Oyster by Namja town, Tokyo

How many seafood flavors are there?!

These better not be rocky mountain oysters (bull nads)!

#5: Beef Tongue by Namja town, Tokyo

When I jokingly mention burger ice cream, this isn't what I had in mind!

Talk about using every part of the cow!

#4: Foie Gras by The Ice Cream Gallery, Hong Kong

When it comes to so called "delicacies", human cruelty knows know limits!

For those wandering, Foie Gras is a Pate made from the liver of fattened ducks or geese. If I'd known about it in 2019, it would've appeared on my list of bizarre foods.

#3: Crawfish by Red Circle Ice Cream, Houston

Allen, please add details.

Yes, that is real crawfish! No, this doesn't have anything to do with Red Lobster.

#2: Horse Flesh by Namja Town, Japan (Yes, again)

My Little Dessert!

What kind of madmen do they have working the Namja Town ice cream stands?!

#1: Charcoal by Spoon University

Hank Hill does not approve and neither do I! Seriously, what the $#%@?!

I think the only thing that can top this would be manure flavor, which I hope to God never becomes a real thing! This is Earth we live on, not Yugopotamia!

I'd say something like "Ben & Jerry, take notes", but I doubt they'd consider adding any of these flavors to their menu anytime soon. Honorable mentions include Cereal Milk (that's bloody sane compared to the flavors that did make the list!), the Famous Idaho (it would've made the list if it was actually served in a potato instead of potato shaped ice cream), Spaghetti Ice Cream (It's literally vanilla ice cream and cherries made to look like spaghetti), and the Vermonster (I talked about that here). If you can think of any flavors, you think deserved a mention, the comment section is waiting. Thanks for reading and have a sweet day!

Sources

Sunday, May 5, 2024

20 Bizarre sea creatures

Believe it or not, these animals aren't from an alien planet. Whether they swim kinda funny, have abilities that defy the laws of physics or look disturbing enough to make Clanker from Banjo-Kazooie look adorable, join me as we count down 20 of the oddest animals that the Earth's oceans and seas have to offer.

#20: Barreleye Fish

We're starting out big already!

This species of deep-sea fish has a mostly clear head. They get their name because of their barrel-shaped eyes. These eyes are telescoping and usual face upwards but can be rotated forwards.

#19: Japanese Spider Crab

You better be glad this guy can't make its home in your basement!

This deep diving species of crab gets its name because its super long legs make it look like the world's biggest spider. While they look threatening and have fairly long reaching claws, they are fortunately harmless to humans.

#18: Cone Snail

Don't touch it! You'll die!

These snails catch pray by stabbing them with biological harpoons filled-with venom and then swallowing them whole. When not hunting they lie buried in the sand, with a nostril poking out for breathing. The venom these snails have is strong enough to kill a human and currently there is no anti-venom for it.

#17: Northern Stargazer

Don't give me that look!

This fish has its eyes, nostrils and mouth on top of its head. It is also camouflaged to resemble the sea floor. These fish hunt by burying themselves in the sand, leaving their eyes peeking out, and jumping out at any fish that get within striking range.

#16: Gulper Eel

Don't challenge this fish to an eating contest!

The eel part of this creature's name is a misnomer, as it technically isn't an eel. The gulper part on the other hand is very accurate, as this fish can open its jaw wide enough to devour prey that's twice its own size.

#15: Zebra Worm

Stretch it, baby!

These worms spend most of their time under rocks on reefs and tide pools. When resting they are about 76 centimeters, but they can expand 50 times that size. They capture annelid worms and small crustaceans using a strong proboscis armed with a barbed stylet.

#14: Sea Pig

You won't get this pig's bacon!

Contrary to the name, these guys are actually sea cucumbers. They get their name because of their plump, pink bodies and short legs. They spend their days shifting through the undersea mud looking for small animals to eat.

#13: Scaled Wormsnail

He slimed me!

This is a species of sea snail that spends its entire life clinging to a single area. To hunt it shoots out large nets made of slime to capture microorganisms and bits of kelp for consumption. It also has 2 tentacles to sense the direction of the water currents.

#12: Vampire Squid

Somebody call the SCP Foundation!

The tentacles of this creepy little cephalopod sports various sharp spines and a webbing that wraps around them. For defense it can either wrap its tentacles around its body, spray a bioluminescence ink that confuses predators or emit a bluish light to camouflage itself in the water. Funnily enough it's Latin name, Vampyrotheuthis infernalis, actually translates to vampire squid from Hell.

#11: Venus Flytrap Anemone

That's one fatal flower!

Sea anemones as a whole are pretty strange, but these guys take it up a notch. In addition to the venomous tentacles, these creatures can close up just like their terrestrial plant namesakes. They can be rooted to their posts via long string-like growths and will root themselves either to rocks like other anemones or to dead animals.

#10: Hagfish

What? It's just an ordinary... OH MY GOODNESS!!!

These fish are the only known creatures in the world to possess skulls, but no spines. They also lack fins, instead swimming with their paddle-like tails. They have jawless mouths full of sharp teeth that they use to devour undersea corpses. When attacked they spew out large amounts of slime to drive away predators.

#9: Brittle Star

Shuma-Gorath had babies!

This thing isn't a sea star, but it is related. While it has 5 spine covered tentacles, it is harmless, and it moves around using 5 little feed-like protrusions on its underside. As if that wasn't strange enough, its mouth is located in between its feet, said mouth has 5 jaws and it also excretes waste through its mouth.

#8: Goblin Shark

A face fit for a screamer prank!

This is a deep diving species of shark with a distinctively scary face, complete with sword-like nose and a jaw that extends outwards to catch prey. They are also called living fossils because they have a lineage that goes back over 100 billion years.

#7: Comb Jelly

It's a living light show!

This is a collection of jellyfish-like creatures that use multicolored cilia to move around. Each species is different in appearance and behavior: Some species catch prey with long, sticky tentacles, while others have huge mouths that open wide when they touch something.

#6: Anglerfish

My what big teeth you have!

This species is an extreme case of sexual dimorphism. The females are the ones you've probably seen before, the ones that have luminous lures on their heads that attract prey to their waiting, spike filled mouths. The males are much smaller and instead of hunting, they permanently attach themselves to females to feed off of and fertilize the eggs.

#5: Christmas Tree Worms

Ho ho ho and an ocean of strangeness!

These colonial worms live in tropical water and get their name because of their Christmas tree-like appendages. These are appendages are their mouths, which are covered in feathery tentacles that push food towards their digestive apparatus.

#4: Bobbit Worm

Bob it! Pull it! Bury it! Eat its liver!!!

These disturbing worm-like creatures bury themselves in the ocean floor, waiting for other aquatic creatures to swim by. When a fish or other sea creature swims too close, it lunges out of its burrow, grabs the hapless prey with its many mouthparts and drags it underground to be devoured.

#3: Enypniastes eximia: Headless Chicken Sea Cucumber

Here's something you wont find in Bikini Bottom!

This sea cucumber got its name because it resembles a chicken who lost its head. As if that didn't differentiate it from most other sea cucumbers, this guy doesn't stay on the sea flood for nearly its entire life. Instead, it swims around and only lands on the ocean bottom to feed.

#2: Blob Fish

Why the long face?

These gelatinous fish don't have any bones in their bodies, instead getting their structural support from the extreme depths that they inhabit. It's also because of this fact that they look the way they do when they're on dry land.

#1: Zooids

That's no worm (at least no single worm)!

These are tiny worm-like creatures that band together in colonies to form various different animals. One such animal is the giant pryrosome (pictured above), which is a filter feeding animal with holes on both sides of its body that can grow up to 60 feet in length. Another example is the siphonophore, a super long string-like creature that uses stinging tentacles to catch small animals not unlike jellyfish and sea anemones. They are also a candidate for longest creature on Earth, with the longest one recorded allegedly being 150 feet long!

If you were aquaphobic before, I apologize if these guys made your fear of swimming bigger. With the deep oceans being as poorly mapped out as they are, there's bound to be more unusual creatures that we haven't found yet. Some honorable mentions include the Dumbo Octopus (that thing's downright adorable compared to these monsters!), the giant squid (the vampire squid is way odder), the frog fish (I'll talk about that in a list of unique fish), and the lamprey (those are freshwater fish). If you can think of any other bizarre sea monsters I might've missed, dive on down to the comment section. Thanks for reading and be glad these beasts don't live in your backyard pool!