20 Incredibly inappropriate toys for kids

 If you're looking for the perfect toy to get your kids this Christmas, look elsewhere. Whether they portray outdated racial stereotypes, are innuendos incarnate or straight up drop the murder bomb, here are 20 toys that I kid you not are real. Note: If you want toys that can be used as weapons, check this list which I made back during this blog's first year of existence.  Caution: This list contains references to old, possibly outdated memes, at least much more so than my other lists. If you're allergic to those, turn back now!!!

#20: Poo-doh

Nice of Play-Doh to make something for the grossout fans, eh reader?

Might as well get the fecal matter related toys out of the way.

#19: E.T. Finger

This thing's creep factor is over nine thousand!!!

E.T. phone home. I phone my therapist.

#18: 9-11 Toy

We're the twin towers, bitch!

We still remember, and we still react poorly to representations of it in media!

#17: Kaba Kick

#YOLO, unless of course your method of suicide is completely harmless!

A version of Russian Roulette where nobody dies? Sign me up!

#16: Peekaboo Pole Dancing Toy

How I hate those child pole dancers! How they make my stomach turn!

It would be really ironic if this wasn't suggested by an adult pole dancer!

#15: Pregnant Barbie doll

That's Mama Barbie to you, reader! "Wheeze"

Give the Barbie franchise credit for having the balls to do this!

#14: Plush STDs

Yo dawg. I heard you like STD toys, so I put a pic of them on this blog!

Spoiler alety, the actual diseases are nowhere near as cute as the image above makes them look!

#13: Jar Jar Lollipop

This is taking so uncivilized to a disturbing new level!

"I wanna French kiss Jar Jar Binks!" Said nobody, ever... At least, I hope.

#12: Pee and Poo

Click here for more info on this... Art piece.

Why is toilet humor so popular!?

#11: Rad Repeatin Tarzan

I can't believe this exists. You know who can? Chuck Norris!

More like self-pleasing tarzan, am I right? Seriously though, If you're gonna do this, at least do it where no one can see you!

#10: Avenging Narwal

THIS! IS! NARWAL! (Stabs something).

Forget the circle of life, here comes the circle of death!

#9: Winnie the Pooh ring thing

You hear that? That's the sound of Pooh fans everywhere going "Deuueaugh"!

Winnie put that thing away, you're a children's show icon for God's sake!

#8: Wolverine balloon hammer

You know what really grinds my gears? Stuff like this!

Ever wanted to blow Wolverine? Please don't answer that...

#7: Buzz Lightyear drinking cup

Is that a draw sticking out of your base or are you just happy to see me?

Oh, come on! This is ridiculous

#6: Rocket launching Punisher

He has a condition, and the only cure is more cowbell!

Okay, now we've gone too far! I can't possibly be the only one who thinks that!

#5: Pretty Death Toy Noose

U mad bro/sis? I know I am!

Nothing says kid friendly quite like methods of suicide, am I right?

#4: Adolf Hitler doll

This is looking a little sus, don't you think?

Do I even need to explain this one?

#3: Roadkill cat figurine

All your disemboweled cats are belong to us!

#Nasty!

#2: Baby's first Baby

Me and the boys wondering who the #%@$ approved this thing.

This is just wrong, and the fetus also being pregnant doesn't help in the slightest!

#1: Evil Stick

NO GOD! NO GOD PLEASE NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

When they called it an evil stick they weren't kidding!

I'm glad I didn't get any of these controversial toys. Also, I apologize if you got a little triggered reading this. Thanks for reading. Have a merry Christmas and please, don't get these toys for your little ones.

Sources

• The Things
  
• Planet Dolan
• Cracked
  
• Joeotoole
  
• Lolwot

15 Absurdly dangerous kids toys

Take my advise: Just buy your kids those Power Rangers or My Little Pony toys and keep an elephant sized berth away from these colorful death traps. From toy guns that are almost as dangerous as the real things to science kits that contained uranium, join me as we count down 15 toys that could lead to fatal consequences to kids and sometimes even adults. Note: Many of these are discontinued, so you won't be able to buy them even if you for some reason wanted to.

#15: Toy guns.

Don't take this to a bank!

You knew we had to get to these eventually. The BB guns obviously aren't as deadly as bullet-based firearms, but they still tend to hurt like hell if those flying spheres made contact with human skin and can still shoot an eye out. There's also Austin's Magic Pistol, which fired ping pong balls using an explosive chemical reaction between water and calcium carbide, and the SuperSoaker CPS 2000, which packed way too much power for a water gun. The guns that look like real guns also have the added risk of causing police shootings if they were mistaken for the real deals.

#14: Kite Tube

Leave flying to the birds, bats and winged insects, kid!

What do you get when you combine a parasol with a kite? Why a flying death trap that could carry you up to 30 feet in the air when tied to the back of a water ski or really fast boat and continue flying after you fell off, of course!

#13: Hannah Montana Trading Cards

Miley Cyrus how could you?!

Yes, even the family entertainment empire that is The Walt Disney Corporation isn't perfect. These pop star themed cards had 75 five times as much toxic lead as the law allows. The only reason these assassin's dreams come true remained on shelves was because the lead was in the vinyl, not the paint.

#12: Magnetix

Just don't swallow them and you'll have barrels of fun!

These fun while they lasted magnets carried the obvious risk of kids swallowing them and choking to death, but they also had the added risk of coming together in your kids stomachs, tearing their intestines apart. 

#11: Clackers

These tiny wrecking balls were flying into things before the Wiimote was even a concept!

Current versions of this toy had light little balls that wouldn't cause much harm. Past versions, however, had much heavier balls that could easily break noses and teeth if swung with enough force.

#10: Cabbage Patch Kids Snacktime Doll

"We don't need any chewing dolls!" Head Elf from Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer, 1964

These dolls turned cannibals were originally intended to consume plastic foods, but they soon developed a taste for the fingers of curious children. They didn't have an off switch, so the only ways to stop it from biting your kid's finger off were to remove the batteries or take a blunt instrument to the doll's head.

#9: Barbie Sky Dancers

Squadalah, your teeth are off!

When these murderous Barbie dolls were flying, their spinning wings had enough force to lacerate faces, break teeth and even cause blindness in whatever kid got too close. That's pretty strong for a doll that your toddler would tower over.

#8: Tie N Tangle

Who thought this was a good idea?

This rope version of Twister carried the obvious risk of strangulation. As if that wasn't bad enough, the ropes were too strong to be broken by hand, so scissors need to be grabbed ASAP if one of the ropes found its way around your neck.

#7: Aqua Leisure Inflatable Baby Boats

Kinda ironic that a small boat aimed at toddlers can't hold one up!

The leg straps of these poorly made boats were too weak to hold the weight of your baby, so he or she might drown just for trying to use the thing. What's worse is they knew of this design flaw and did nothing about it!

#6: Easy Bake Oven

Keep your fingers away!

When Hasbro redesigned their kid safe ovens in 2006, they accidentally made it so kids could get their fingers stuck in the loading openings and burned by the ceramic heating cores. Fortunately, these children's cooking systems gone wrong were recalled by the thousands and Hasbro redesigned future models so this wouldn't happen again.

#5: Fisher-Price Power Wheels Motorcycle

Your kid's whee will turn into a deuueaugh once this thing spirals outta control!

Even Fisher-Price has a few murder weapons in its otherwise harmless collection of toys. Giving your little one his or her own small motorcycle seems like a fun idea... Until they run into an actual automobile because the accelerator jammed.

#4: Bindeez and Pixos

You keep your unconsciousness inducing drugs away from me!

Before their were Aqua Dots, there were these poison capsules in disguise. The very small beads were covered with a chemical that actually turns into GBH (a freaking date rape drug) when swallowed. Thank goodness this chemical is absent in Aqua Dots.

#3: Lawn Darts

Forget shooting an eye out! With these you'll gouge an eye out!

Easily the most infamous death trap disguised as a toy, these sharp missiles were meant to be thrown at large targets on the lawn. To the surprise of nobody, many reports of injuries and even a few deaths caused by these darts led to them being banned forever.

#2: CSI Fingerprint Examination Kit

I said hold the toxic substance!

Besides this play kit being sold to people of the wrong age, the dust used to look for fingerprints had asbestos mixed into it. Apparently whoever sold this thing to children wanted to make some crime scenes of their own.

#1: Atomic Energy Lab

Nothing says merry Christmas quite like stuff that goes into nuclear bombs!

This little science toy lets kid experiment with radioactive materials, even including some uranium in the box. Is anyone surprised this thing is gone?

Whoever market these at kids was clearly in the wrong marketing department. Given the sheer amount of toys out there, there are bound to be some I've missed. If you know of any, leave some names in the comment section. I'll see you later. Have a Merry Christmas.

Sources

• TV Tropes
• Planet Dolan
• How Stuff Works
• WatchMojo
• The Wacky (previously Wacky Wednesdays)
• Top Trending
• Jeepers Media