Tuesday, December 25, 2018

15 Absurdly dangerous kids toys

Take my advise: Just buy your kids those Power Rangers or My Little Pony toys and keep an elephant sized berth away from these colorful death traps. From toy guns that are almost as dangerous as the real things to science kits that contained uranium, join me as we count down 15 toys that could lead to fatal consequences to kids and sometimes even adults. Note: Many of these are discontinued, so you won't be able to buy them even if you for some reason wanted to.

#15: Toy guns.

Don't take this to a bank!
You knew we had to get to these eventually. The BB guns obviously aren't as deadly as bullet-based firearms, but they still tend to hurt like hell if those flying spheres made contact with human skin and can still shoot an eye out. There's also Austin's Magic Pistol, which fired ping pong balls using an explosive chemical reaction between water and calcium carbide, and the SuperSoaker CPS 2000, which packed way too much power for a water gun. The guns that look like real guns also have the added risk of causing police shootings if they were mistaken for the real deals.

#14: Kite Tube

Leave flying to the birds, bats and winged insects, kid!
What do you get when you combine a parasol with a kite? Why a flying death trap that could carry you up to 30 feet in the air when tied to the back of a water ski or really fast boat and continue flying after you fell off, of course!

#13: Hannah Montana Trading Cards

Miley Cyrus how could you?!
Yes, even the family entertainment empire that is The Walt Disney Corporation isn't perfect. These pop star themed cards had 75 five times as much toxic lead as the law allows. The only reason these assassin's dreams come true remained on shelves was because the lead was in the vinyl, not the paint.

#12: Magnetix

Just don't swallow them and you'll have barrels of fun!
These fun while they lasted magnets carried the obvious risk of kids swallowing them and choking to death, but they also had the added risk of coming together in your kids stomachs, tearing their intestines apart. 

#11: Clackers

These tiny wrecking balls were flying into things before the Wiimote was even a concept!
Current versions of this toy had light little balls that wouldn't cause much harm. Past versions, however, had much heavier balls that could easily break noses and teeth if swung with enough force.

#10: Cabbage Patch Kids Snacktime Doll

"We don't need any chewing dolls!" Head Elf from Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer, 1964
These dolls turned cannibals were originally intended to consume plastic foods, but they soon developed a taste for the fingers of curious children. They didn't have an off switch, so the only ways to stop it from biting your kid's finger off were to remove the batteries or take a blunt instrument to the doll's head.

#9: Barbie Sky Dancers

Squadalah, your teeth are off!
When these murderous Barbie dolls were flying, their spinning wings had enough force to lacerate faces, break teeth and even cause blindness in whatever kid got too close. That's pretty strong for a doll that your toddler would tower over.

#8: Tie N Tangle

Who thought this was a good idea?
This rope version of Twister carried the obvious risk of strangulation. As if that wasn't bad enough, the ropes were too strong to be broken by hand, so scissors need to be grabbed ASAP if one of the ropes found its way around your neck.

#7: Aqua Leisure Inflatable Baby Boats

Kinda ironic that a small boat aimed at toddlers can't hold one up!
The leg straps of these poorly made boats were too weak to hold the weight of your baby, so he or she might drown just for trying to use the thing. What's worse is they knew of this design flaw and did nothing about it!

#6: Easy Bake Oven

Keep your fingers away!
When Hasbro redesigned their kid safe ovens in 2006, they accidentally made it so kids could get their fingers stuck in the loading openings and burned by the ceramic heating cores. Fortunately, these children's cooking systems gone wrong were recalled by the thousands and Hasbro redesigned future models so this wouldn't happen again.

#5: Fisher-Price Power Wheels Motorcycle

Your kid's whee will turn into a deuueaugh once this thing spirals outta control!
Even Fisher-Price has a few murder weapons in its otherwise harmless collection of toys. Giving your little one his or her own small motorcycle seems like a fun idea... Until they run into an actual automobile because the accelerator jammed.

#4: Bindeez and Pixos

You keep your unconsciousness inducing drugs away from me!
Before their were Aqua Dots, there were these poison capsules in disguise. The very small beads were covered with a chemical that actually turns into GBH (a freaking date rape drug) when swallowed. Thank goodness this chemical is absent in Aqua Dots.

#3: Lawn Darts

Forget shooting an eye out! With these you'll gouge an eye out!
Easily the most infamous death trap disguised as a toy, these sharp missiles were meant to be thrown at large targets on the lawn. To the surprise of nobody, many reports of injuries and even a few deaths caused by these darts led to them being banned forever.

#2: CSI Fingerprint Examination Kit

I said hold the toxic substance!
Besides this play kit being sold to people of the wrong age, the dust used to look for fingerprints had asbestos mixed into it. Apparently whoever sold this thing to children wanted to make some crime scenes of their own.

#1: Atomic Energy Lab

Nothing says merry Christmas quite like stuff that goes into nuclear bombs!
This little science toy lets kid experiment with radioactive materials, even including some uranium in the box. Is anyone surprised this thing is gone?

Whoever market these at kids was clearly in the wrong marketing department. Given the sheer amount of toys out there, there are bound to be some I've missed. If you know of any, leave some names in the comment section. I'll see you later. Have a Merry Christmas.

Sources

20 Hilariously worthless inventions

Not everyone has the creativity to rival Apple or Microsoft. From underpants that go on your hands to tiny motorized fans on chopsticks, join me as we count down 20 inventions that are only worth buying for comedic value.

#20: Gold poop pills

Who wants their waste to be gold colored?
Over spending at it's finest!

#19: Toilet golf

If you don't have a phone, iPod or handheld gaming console to entertain you on the can, this is the next best thing.
It's good putting practice at least.

#18: Umbrella high heel shoes

Keep the fronts of them shoes dry, buddy!
There's something you don't see everyday!

#17: Pizza cutter fork

Don't just cut your pizza, impale it as well!
It's pizza time!

#16: Fan chopsticks

If you're too lazy to blow on your ramen, let this thing do it for you.
This blows!

#15: Butter stick

Having trouble spreading butter the old fashioned way? Just stick it in a lipstick and use that!
The tastiest lipstick ever!

#14: Useless box

Turn this thing on and it turns itself off.
Pretty self-explanatory.

#13: Banana bunker

You know what can protect your banana and many other foods? A lunch box!
Hey why don't tomatoes and kiwis have their own protective cases?

#12: Grilled Cheesus sandwich press

You know you've met an immensely devout Christian when they put the face of Jesus Christ on their toast!
Why did George Foreman never think of this?

#11: Ice cream pint combination lock

A good way to keep your ice cream... unless you forget what the combination is.

Because you're a selfish bastard!

#10: Nothing

Paying 10 bucks for a package you know is empty? What kind of world is this?!
Why not?

#9: Burger exhaust grill

This is perfect for those who want carbon monoxide poisoning with their ground beef.
It's not like there's burger joints all over the place!

#8: Beer phone

This is still much safer than drunk driving, I tell you what.
A perfect gift for any alcoholic!

#7: Fundies

Who thought that romantic couples needed to wear the same pair of underwear?
Hey you do you, just keep it private!

#6: Educational toilet paper

Learn while on the can? Why not?
Again, smartphones are a thing!

#5: Diet water

Last time I checked, water was already one of the healthiest drinks you can consume.
People will make diet anything, won't they?

#4: Chopstick glasses

I've heard of keeping chopsticks on you at all times, but this is ridiculous!
Perfect for when evil ramen noodle start attacking!

#3: Toilet paper hat

There are better ways of keeping paper on you at nearly all times than wearing a toilet paper roll on your head.
Because just keeping napkins in your pocket is so silly!

#2: USB pet rock

Watch as nothing happens once you plug this rock in! 
At the very least, this gift can potentially double as a makeshift mace.

#1: Handerpants

These are essentially fingerless gloves colored to look like underpants. That sentence explains itself.
I've got nothing.

Yes, these things are real and given how often people like to invent, there are bound to me more gag gifts. If you can think of any I missed, feel free to name them in the comments. I'll see you later. Have a merry Christmas.

References